Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Things should be getting back to normal, hopefully. Although normalcy is not one of my finer points. Sofia should be starting full time in a day care center again. Two hundred and fifteen dollars a week… Yeah I’m broke just thinking about it. But its good for her, good for us. It gives her the structure that she needs in her life, and the break I need. We did not deal well with the irregularities of home care. She needed a more structured learning environment, more stimulation, and less television. She already watches enough television at home, let alone have her watch seven hours of television at daycare too… Way too much TV overload. Sometimes I wonder why her brain isn’t mush from the television.

I need to find some sort of structured activity for Sofia to attend during the week. Something like sports, or dance, activity of some sort. Something that is self reliant, I don’t think I could handle mommy&me/parental involvement classes. I need something where I can drop her off then go out in the parking lot to study/do homework or even just collect my thoughts.

Potty training too, we need to get on board with that. I feel like if I have to change another 6 months of diapers I am going to scream. She always tells me she poops/pees after I change her diaper not before! She’ll be like mommy I pooped or mommy I peed change me. Never mommy I’m going to poop/pee lets go potty. She pooped in the tub the other night, she stood up and started pooping… Ugh. Seriously I had to scrub down the tub, and put all of her bath toys in the dishwasher to be sanitized.

I’m not sure where my motivation went from last semester but its official I lost it. I attempted 23 credits, and completed 20. Achieved academic standing on the Presidents List… And now what I can barely bribe myself into going to class. I hate it here, I hate SUNY Albany. It is so depressing. I feel like there is no need for me to go to class, or study. I hate feeling like this, seriously this feeling needs to stop. I am making plans to change schools for the fall semester. I just need to stick it out for the rest of this semester and drag my ass to class. I hate the feeling of forcing myself to go to class it is probably one of the worst feelings I’ve experienced in awhile. I’d rather go out and run five miles than go to class. I also realized I hate marketing. So in my search of a new school and program I’m trying to find a program that focuses on management not so much marketing. Russell Sage seems to be my best bet for schools in the area. Smaller classes, more personalized program.

I need to start going to the gym again… Yeah motivation, not sure where I lost it. But I’m hoping I’ll find it again some time really soon.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Stupid Person

“One stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.” Neil Gaiman

We’ve all heard the age old sayings that when you found the one, that one you’ll know it. I never really believed in such clich├ęs. But I met him, and I know, this is it. He is amazing, more than I could ever ask for.

He’s handsome, charming, caring, smart, and loves my daughter. I love him, call me crazy, stupid, or naive but I know he’s it. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I want to have his children, and I want to grow old with him(can we say daydreaming?). He makes me want to be become a better person. I want to do better in school because of him. I can’t explain it but I want to be better, nicer, smarter, more polite, more conscious of my opinions for him, for us.

I’ve never felt this way before, ever. He’s so great, I can’t help but daydream about the future. Getting engaged, getting married, our first house, our first child… (Shit, I’m such a girl, this I know.) He’s so great, what’s a girl to contribute?

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Cause you are the face that changed the whole world...

I was brought up in a predominately Christian family. I was actively involved in my church all through out my child hood up until my graduation from high school. I was always actively involved in youth group, missions, volunteering, choir, and basically everything that goes along with church. I had a falling out after high school, and lost my way. Most of all I lost Him, I lived for Him, but that changed.

It’s been about four long years since I have been active in my faith. I still go to church on the major holidays including, Christmas, Easter, and Palm Sunday. I am so ashamed to admit it. I have such fond memories growing up of being involved in church. I will never forget the church lock ins, church plays, youth group activities, and retreats. I formed such gratifying relationships with some amazing people throughout the years.

I want my daughter to have those kinds of experiences growing up. I know that before I can really attempt to go back to church I need to fix my relationship with Him. I need to do this for me, and for Sofia. I know that I can’t fix my relationship with Him over night, but I need to do it for us. I want Sofia to grow up in the faith, knowing that there is someone who is always looking out for her best interest.

Walking back into my church is always so hard emotionally. These men and women watched me grow up from an infant who was baptized into their congregation to a successful young woman who made the biggest most influential mistake of her life. Sofia was never planned, but I love her more than anything. I would never change the path that I took, I’m so glad that she is in my life. But I feel that I let down some of the people who watched me grow up. I know they have long since passed forgiveness, for they love when I bring my daughter to church,, and always want her to come back sooner.

For me it’s hard, to see all these other beautiful young families, the image of perfection I so strived for. I wanted that family, what single mom is honestly going top tell you she didn’t want it. I wanted to be so in love with my partner, loving my daughter, and feeling like these should be the best years of my life. Instead I found myself heartbroken, filled with remorse, and emptiness. How was I so stupid to believe that our dream, rather my dream was realistic…

Although fast forward three years later I wouldn’t have my life any other way. I love where I am right now. I love my daughter more than I thought possible. I’m very successful in school, and I finally feel like I have my head on my shoulders. I would be miserable if I stayed with her father, its an inevitable truth. Seeing your child only a handful of times, is never a noble thing. Accusing me of drug addiction and alcohol abuse and threatening for custody is bullshit I will have to endure until his parental rights are fully relinquished.

I really do feel like I’m in such a better place in my life than I have ever been before. I know my friends and family have contributed to that. I’m finally in a place where I want a relationship with Him again. Mending the wounds of my relationship with Him is going to take time and effort. Time and effort that I want to devote to this, but getting started is the hardest part.

I have decided that March is the month that I will begin this journey.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

In Sickness and in Health… Till Death Do Us Part

On February 17, 2009, my grandfather passed away. I am sure we all knew this was coming; nevertheless, it does not make it any easier. Last week we were having a pizza party at my grandparent’s house and he seemed as good as to be expected. On Saturday, he went to the hospital for an infection in his foot, on Monday he suffered a heart attack, and on Tuesday, they removed his life support.

He lived such a great life. In his early years, he was a solider for the German army and he was held as an American prisoner of war. He moved his family over to the United States for a chance of a better life. He came over from Germany with the clothes on his back, made enough money to move his family over, and eventually ended up establishing a multi million-dollar corporation. He lived a great life; I know we will all miss him so much. Most importantly, I do not want to remember him the way he was towards the end, I want to remember him as the vivacious man he was.

My grandmother stood by his side through out all of this. She devoted her life and her heart to that man. Last night we went to McDonalds and she said ‘I cannot believe I have his wallet and he’s not with me.’ I felt like I was being stabbed in the heart with a knife when she said that. At that moment the truth seemed so inevitable, this was the end. In his last years, he was sick on and off, she loved him regardless of his condition. Faithfully my grandmother cooked his dinner, sat next to him in the den nights when he would fall asleep with the TV on, helped him into bed, and helped bathe him. She was always there with him.

Up until recently, I never realized how much I really do want to get married. The thought of growing old alone scares the shit out of me. Sofia will grow up, get married, and have her own family… I will be home alone sitting in a fucking lazy boy chair miserable and alone. I want someone who still enjoys being with me and the company I offer, long after my good looks have faded.

I am more afraid of growing old and being alone, than I am of dying. I would rather grow old and ugly with someone who genuinely wants to be with me. Then die trying to stay young and beautiful so he does not leave me. Someone who can embrace and appreciate my less than perfect body after bearing his children.

Fuck I’m going to end up miserable and alone.

Friday, February 13, 2009

There's no such thing as what might have been.

Three years ago tomorrow was the day that will probably have the biggest impact on my life, more than my 30th birthday, more than my wedding day, and more than the many graduation days I’ll encounter. February 14, 2006 I found out I was pregnant.

Scared, naive, hopeful, unabashed, skinny, and stupid eighteen year old girl; an image of myself I can hardly remember. That day will forever be etched in stone, as I made the decision to carry my child to full term. I never realized how different my life would be from that day on. If I only knew then that I know now, I am sure, that is how everyone feels one time or another. Over the next few years, I would grow and develop into the strong, fearless, determined woman I am.

My naive heart was filled with such raw emotion, innocence, vulnerability, passion, and looking back now I am glad, I felt that way. If I knew the next three years of life would bring me through hell and back I am not, so sure I would have been so eager to venture through that journey.

One thing I know for sure, my daughter was a blessing sent from above. She was supposed to be in my life. Twice I found myself steps away from an abortion. Once when I was about eight weeks pregnant and again at the last possible date I could legally terminated my pregnancy. Repeatedly I struggled with the thought of adoption. I thank one woman who helped me realize that adoption was not something I was prepared to do.

After she was born, I felt such an overwhelming feeling of love. Even though she came into this world into my arms without the love and support of her father I knew we would be ok. That is not to say that from there on out, everything was beautiful and perfect. The first four months were blissful and amazing I was so in love. Suddenly at four months I fell out of love with the life I was living, I was over this life of being a struggling single mom. I struggled on and off with feelings of depression and remorse for the next year. Although I cannot pinpoint the day, there was a changing point. I woke up and everything was amazing again. The sky was blue; my daughter was perfect, healthy, and amazing. She is my daughter, and I would do anything for her. I thank God everyday for this blessing he has bestowed upon me. She has changed my life for the best more than anyone person could ever.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Life is never a smooth ride.

Sofia’s babysitter abruptly stopped providing for children. Now we are out of childcare… SHIT. All of the daycares around here are filled up. So what now? Attempting to find another home provider that does not want like 4 million dollars a year.

Child support would be so helpful on days like today. My grandmother and my good friend Ashley have offered to help out, but finding a new provider is so hard. Plus everyone wants to charge like an arm, and a leg to watch children. Wish me luck in finding a new provider.


Monday, February 9, 2009

Our dear old friend respect

What happened to respect? It is one of the first fundamental concepts we learn when we are tiny tots, and then evolves into a more complex notion that we should be executing in our every day lives. Quite a few of my experiences lately have made me feel like this concept of respect has been completely disregarded.

And while I’m at it the concept of chivalry is completely dead too.

My girlfriend and I went out this weekend to a local club. It was freezing but being the smart girls we are, we decided to leave our jackets in the car. Besides, do I really want to risk losing my $400 dress jacket? I think not. After presenting our ID’s to the door attendants and having them scanned, they could not even open the door for us. Two beautiful, classy women and they could not even open the door. God forbid they exert that extra energy to open the door for us. Jeesh.

At school, I bought what felt like 40 pounds of books, when I was walking to my car about two miles away! I dropped one of my textbooks going up the stairs; about 10 people passed me and no one had the courtesy to stop to pick it up for me.

I have decided that I am going to work extra hard with Ms. Tucker (Note: We call Sofia, Sofie Tucker, long story, so I sometimes refer to her as Ms. Tucker.) to be sure, she understands respect and common courtesy. While I am at it I think I’m going to try to make a more conscious effort to be respectful and helpful towards others. Does anyone else relate to this?

On a side note, CPS was called on my daughter’s sitter. So now, I have nowhere to send her tomorrow. Wow sounds great eh? From what I have heard so far, my provider and her sister were having a family feud that spurred the call. Her sister called and allegedly claimed that they children were playing alone downstairs near open outlets. So now until she gets certified she can’t watch Sofia.

What a stressful day.