Friday, February 13, 2009

There's no such thing as what might have been.

Three years ago tomorrow was the day that will probably have the biggest impact on my life, more than my 30th birthday, more than my wedding day, and more than the many graduation days I’ll encounter. February 14, 2006 I found out I was pregnant.

Scared, naive, hopeful, unabashed, skinny, and stupid eighteen year old girl; an image of myself I can hardly remember. That day will forever be etched in stone, as I made the decision to carry my child to full term. I never realized how different my life would be from that day on. If I only knew then that I know now, I am sure, that is how everyone feels one time or another. Over the next few years, I would grow and develop into the strong, fearless, determined woman I am.

My naive heart was filled with such raw emotion, innocence, vulnerability, passion, and looking back now I am glad, I felt that way. If I knew the next three years of life would bring me through hell and back I am not, so sure I would have been so eager to venture through that journey.

One thing I know for sure, my daughter was a blessing sent from above. She was supposed to be in my life. Twice I found myself steps away from an abortion. Once when I was about eight weeks pregnant and again at the last possible date I could legally terminated my pregnancy. Repeatedly I struggled with the thought of adoption. I thank one woman who helped me realize that adoption was not something I was prepared to do.

After she was born, I felt such an overwhelming feeling of love. Even though she came into this world into my arms without the love and support of her father I knew we would be ok. That is not to say that from there on out, everything was beautiful and perfect. The first four months were blissful and amazing I was so in love. Suddenly at four months I fell out of love with the life I was living, I was over this life of being a struggling single mom. I struggled on and off with feelings of depression and remorse for the next year. Although I cannot pinpoint the day, there was a changing point. I woke up and everything was amazing again. The sky was blue; my daughter was perfect, healthy, and amazing. She is my daughter, and I would do anything for her. I thank God everyday for this blessing he has bestowed upon me. She has changed my life for the best more than anyone person could ever.

1 comment:

  1. Amanda, you are simply amazing! I don't know if you know my story, but 23 years ago I faced single-motherhood (fiance dumped me when I got pregnant). My daughter was placed for adoption and it was the most difficult thing I ever did in my life. She and I are working on a reunion (as of September 2008). I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had been able to keep her? For 23 years I've walked around with a hole in my heart and pervasive sadness. No one has a crystal ball to know how things turn out. I admire you greatly.